How to deliver bad news

The worst thing you can do when delivering bad news is to slap some fake empathy on your face and let fake concern tinge your tone of voice. People smell it from a mile away, and it generates resentment, as if they were simply pawns to be played. It's the exact opposite of connection.

Worse still is when you make delivering the bad news all about yourself, as our friend the crying founder (who is now a meme) did not so long ago.“The crying CEO”

So how do you do this right? How do you deliver bad news in a way that feels authentic, that honours the pain of the person who's hearing it, and gives them space to authentically grieve?It's difficult because you feel bad

The first thing to understand is that delivering bad news is difficult for us because our nervous systems mirror those around us. We don't want to deliver bad news because we'll feel bad. The stupidest things that are said in times of trouble are said to assuage the feelings of the speaker, not the listener.

I have deep experience in this area from my career as a rabbi—I buried roughly a hundred people in the span of three years (roughly one every week and a half), and were with the families at every stage of the process, from before death to the mourning period afterwards. So I've heard the best, and the worst, of what people have to say in these uncomfortable situations.

“Oh, both your parents are dead? Now you're really an orphan.”

Yes, that was actually said.

So the first skill in delivering bad news (or being around difficult news) is to regulate your own nervous system, to become aware of the difficult emotions you're experiencing, and to not let them bleed through to the other person.It's difficult, and that's alright

Bad news is just that—bad. It's bad to be laid off. It's bad to hear that someone you love has died. It's bad to be broken up with.

The best communication around bad news acknowledges the difficulty. It doesn't speak in euphemisms, it doesn't hide behind platitudes. It faces the music with integrity.

Chris Voss has a great piece of advice here: human beings are resilient. We can take bad news, if you prepare us. “I've got some bad news for you.” Give people a minute to collect themselves and they'll be alright.

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Just because you deliver bad news does not mean that you are now the boogeyman.

I have a friend that runs quite a large startup. As companies do, he's going through a bit of a dip and has had to lay off some staff. Of course, he felt bad about this, but again, it's not about him.

So he did what he could to make the process less painful. He gave people agency to choose to leave, rather than arbitrarily picking people, allowing those who were thinking of leaving anyway to do so and save face. He gave those who left a nice severance package, so they weren't out in the cold with nowhere to go.

The best companies would also potentially take steps to help their laid-off employees to find new places of work.

Again, none of this assuages the difficulty or hurt, but it does help to support a person through it.Don't make it about you

Yes, as we said, this is difficult for you too. But your difficulty is residual nervous system rebound from their suffering. So don't make it about you, or say “I know how you're feeling”.

What's needed in that moment is empathy—that you know it's a tough blow—and steadfastness. Kindness, one might call it, or care. And yes, even if you're the source of the upset, you can still care and be concerned about the effect the news is having on the other person.

Another facet of not making it about you is being able to listen. Let the other person think about what you've said and respond in their own time and in their own way. You don't get to drop a bomb and walk away. Part of the responsibility of delivering bad news is to own the outcome.Get an outside opinion

I'll leave you with one last piece of advice (and this will serve you well in all areas of life, not just comms)—get a second opinion. Ask someone you trust how your message sounds. You're close to the coal face and therefore may not be best placed to evaluate how someone might receive your message. You won't see your own blindspots, or how confusing you might be being. Getting an outside opinion can be crucial to making sure that the message lands with the type of sensitivity you're aiming for.

Above all, what good communication requires, as always, is connection. Draw on your shared humanity—if you wouldn't want to be communicated with that way, don't do it to someone else.

And as always, if you need more help with this, or any other communications challenge, I'm here!