Stop avoiding conflict. Use this framework instead.

I've been chatting with one of my clients recently about “conflict avoidance” and what's come out of the discussion has been so valuable that I have to share it with you.A reframe

By viewing disagreement as “conflict”, you set yourself up for a zero-sum game where there is one winner and one loser. Think about all the words and analogies associated with conflict: “beating the other person”, “winning the argument”, “being defeated”. The very framing calls to mind a constellation of negative interactions, and primes us to be aggressive in the extreme—after all, who wants to lose a battle? In such a case, the ego is involved as well, for any losses are obviously (in most people's minds) a referendum on their character.

An alternative way of seeing things is to frame it as “mutual discovery”. There is something that is unknown, or suboptimal, or whatever, and together the two of you have to figure out what it is. Framing things this way turns the entire enterprise into a win-win situation. There's a discovery to be made (how to do things better) and you're both on the same team. It means that even the one who came with the erstwhile “complaint” can now see where he/she might have erred, and together the two parties can come to a mutual agreement on a way forward.

A simple example: a partner is not taking out the trash. One way of approaching this is through the lens of conflict, with one partner berating the other for not holding up their end of the responsibilities (this commonly devolves into a referendum on their character as a whole). The alternative is to be an explorer, to activate curiosity. “I wonder why my partner isn't taking out the trash?” You'll discover that maybe they have a different sense of when it needs to be taken out than you do, or that they're super busy at that moment. In this lens, the joint goal is not the trash, it's harmony in the home. So now you're approaching things from a different perspective all together: “how can we create a space that you and I are comfortable in?” One where one partner is not nagged to take out the trash they don't care about at that moment, and where the other partner can feel that they live in a clean and well-maintained home.A framework

There's a three-part framework I taught my client for modulating communication before a difficult moment:Identify what you want to sayIdentify why you want to say itIdentify how the other person needs to hear itWhat you want to say

This might sound obvious, but sometimes it isn't. Take our trash example—you might say you want the trash taken out. But you might also want recognition for the fact that you're dealing with a house that's dirty, and the implications of that on your mood and psyche. It's more than just the trash—it's the way you envision keeping a home and what that means to you.

So first, understand exactly what you want to say. Get it all out—to yourself, preferably on paper at the beginning—so you're not surprised by what comes out mid-discussion.What your goal is

You'll have experienced people being nasty before. You may have even been nasty yourself at times (it's OK, no judgement). We do this because it feels good, because it's a release, because we have a sense of justice that needs to be fulfilled. But people rarely (if ever) admit to wanting to inflict righteous pain on another person; it's just not ... morally fashionable.

Identifying a goal before you speak is helpful because it serves as guard rails for your communication—if it doesn't serve the goal, it doesn't get said.

So, if your goal is to get the trash taken out, it doesn't make sense to berate someone for being a slob. That's going to get you precisely ... nowhere. You might even have a broader goal, which is to live in the kind of orderly, clean home you envisioned. Well, that's a whole other conversation, only tangentially related to the trash situation, and requiring a different angle and talking points all together.

Knowing what you want to achieve before you go in helps you to direct the conversation to those ends without getting lost in no-man's land, where you both end up feeling bad and no one really gets what they want.How the other person needs to hear it

If you hang out around people long enough, you'll inevitably hear someone express the idea that sometimes things “just need to be said”. What they mean by that is for them to feel better they need to get something off their chest. Often, it's an excuse to say something in the most abrasive, direct, and caustic tone the person can muster, and they do it under the guise of “telling it like it is.”

The problem is, there is no “like it is”. There is “like it is to you” but that's not useful if you're trying to get someone else to do something, or to bring them into your worldview. If they believed what you did, if they could hear things “like they are” then you wouldn't even need to talk to them in the first place. They'd already agree!

So you have to speak to people in terms they're going to hear, not in the first words that pop into your brain. This means that you should find out what they value and speak in those terms, find out how they view themselves and use that language, understand what words and phrases they need to hear.

In our trash example, upon reflection you might realise that your partner is not maliciously ignoring the trash, they just have a different level of “full” before they need to take it out. Talking to them about full trash cans will fall on deaf ears because you're not agreeing on fundamental definitions. But you might know that your partner takes pride in being a good significant other. As an identity, that gives us much more room to play with. You might say that you know they don't see it as full, and that's OK, but you know they're such a good partner and it's super important to you that the house is extra clean, and it would mean the world to you if they could take it out when it's full according to you. Here, you're leveraging their identity, not a random disconnected task.

Or, going back to our reframe above, you might explore together how you can help them to see the trash can as being full before they think it is. A joint exploration to the frontier of trash collection.Notes

You might be thinking, “wow this is tedious. Who would do this for every conversation?” I'm not suggesting that you run every conversation through this filter, at least not right away. But what I am saying is that this is a surefire way to avoid “conflict” and instead move towards “mutual understanding”. It may be that you use this framework initially only in bigger conversations, like whether to have a baby, or in preparation for a big client meeting at work when you need everyone to do their bit. And of course it's tedious—so is checking your mirror every second and a half, coordinating steering, accelerating, breaking, turning, looking out for pedestrians, not driving too fast or slow, and all the other myriad things you have to learn as a new driver. Within weeks though, you're cruising down the road, one hand out the window, listening to DMX (or Nickelback? Eminem? Whatever's your jam.) You'll learn it, quicker than you think. Just start slow, and in low stakes.

I'll also note that this is a framework, and as such needs some finessing for every situation. Broad brush strokes are never going to be helpful in specifics—for that you need wisdom, not knowledge. That's where a coach comes in, someone who can help you apply the knowledge and turn it into actionable insights.

I hope this helps. If you have any questions about how to implement or edge cases you're unsure of, reply to this email and I'll do my best to help out!